set me free
by potahtopotato
Summary: In which Lily feels trapped by her engagement to James, and Remus is able to help.


James is away on an Auror mission, Sirius hasn't been heard from in several days but is presumably okay, and Peter can't get the time off, so it's just Lily and Remus in James and Lily's new flat.

They're not doing much; the week has been a long one, and Remus is happy just to sit next to Lily on the coach and watch the fireplace, which is for some reason lit even though it's the middle of April.

The silence is comfortable, but there's a tense current underneath. Lily's been quieter than usual lately, and Remus thinks that it's just about time for it all to come to a head.

Lily slides the ring off her finger again and examines it, and Remus is drawn out of his reminiscing.

"It's very pretty," she says, and sighs quietly. "It's a very nice ring."

He shrugs. "Probably."

Remus doesn't know much about rings, but he does know plenty about Lily, and it won't be long before she says whatever she's been building up to all night.

"How much do you think it cost? A hundred Galleons or a thousand?"

Remus raises his eyebrows in a move known to his friends only as the Eyebrow Raise That Remus Does Sometimes. "How would I know?"

"Oh, please, don't pretend you weren't there when James picked it out. Or," she amends, "at least that he didn't owl you the same day to ask what you think."

Remus smiles wryly. "You know him too well."

"So?"

"Nope, not saying."

" _Ugh_."

Lily tosses her head back in a display of annoyance, but the effect is ruined when she hits her head on the wall. Remus grins at her as she lets loose a stream of swears.

When she's finished, Lily springs up from the coach.

"I'm going to get something to drink, do you want anything?"

"Er… tea?"

"I meant wine or Firewhiskey."

"Oh." Remus takes this in stride. "Ogden's Best then, if you have it."

Lily shakes her head but moves towards the kitchen.

"Money doesn't grow on trees, you know," she calls, and Remus can hear her pouring the drinks. "We're a young newly-engaged couple, you need to stop acting as though we're a public bar."

"Should I tell you how much that ring on your hand costs?"

"I wish you would," Lily says as she enters the room, two shot glasses and a bottle bobbing up and down in the air in front of her. She directs them downward with a swish of her wand, and Remus's glass lands neatly in front of him.

He's impressed; most people only learn basic defensive spells wordlessly, and he has no idea when Lily has the time for practice on top of her apprenticeship at St. Mungo's.

"Wordless, huh?"

"Yep. Took me ages to learn."

Remus has refrained from asking so far because he knows that it won't do any good, but he's about a minute away from cracking. If someone's going to be moody and miserable, Remus decided years ago, they should either go away until they feel better or tell him why.

"Do you think—" Lily starts, then stops, sits, pours herself a drink, and continues. "Do you think we're making a mistake?

"In what sense?"

"James and I. We got engaged, you know, and I think I'm—well, I'm pretty sure it's going to ruin both of our lives."

"Why would you think that?"

Apparently, his Disbelieving Voice is more effective than he previously believed, because Lily shrugs and looks away.

"It's just… oh god, this sounds so stupid, but he's—he's so perfect, you know. He was a great boyfriend, and now he's a great fiance, and he'll be an amazing husband and a wonderful father."

Remus blinks. "Well, now that you've established this I can clearly see what your issue is, and why it's a problem."

"I _know_ it sounds stupid, but it's like—nothing I do will ever be enough for him, because he deserves so much _better_. And somehow I didn't realize earlier, but now I'm in too deep, and I can't exactly—there's nothing I can do about it, and it's not exactly a good foundation for a marriage, is it?"

She throws back her shot, winces, and pours another one.

"Which is all absolutely ridiculous, obviously, but what am I supposed to do?"

Remus looks at her for a second, then takes a sip of his drink. He's not sure he should be drinking alcohol right now; it seems as though it's going to be one of Those Nights.

"I don't know," he says at last. "It just… honestly, it doesn't seem like an issue. And James is head over heels for you, so it's not as though you need to worry about—"

"There! See, right there!" Lily gestures wildly, her hand hitting Remus's face. "Ah, sorry. It's just that _that_ is the problem exactly. Look, we're 25 years old. Wizards live to, what, 200? That is so much time! And I love James, I love him a lot, but I don't know if I want to spend the next 175 years with him."

"He would wait for you, though," Remus says, and thinks _oh_ as he watches Lily's face scrunch up as though this is a painful thought.

Lily frowns, drinks again, wipes her mouth, and goes on.

"Yes, he would. But I don't want to force him to wait. I don't want to—Remus, we're literal soulmates, do you realize that? My Patronus is a doe, his is a deer, do you realize how rare that actually is? And I want to throw it all away because I'm scared of commitment. How _pathetic_ would that be?"

"Well, you know, marriage isn't the end-all and be-all. There's always… it's not forever."

"Yeah? How many divorced wizards do _you_ know?"

"I meant assassination, but I guess divorce would work too."

"Exactly," Lily says, and sighs. "Hey, why aren't you drinking?"

Remus shrugs and does. He can feel Lily watching him closely, and he realizes with a sinking feeling what's about to happen.

"Lily, we can't—" he says, at the same time that Lily says, "would you—"

They look at each for a moment, and Remus is very aware of how close together they're sitting, how very far from sober both of them are, and of the way Lily's hair catches the firelight.

"I feel so _trapped_ ," Lily says, and she's almost begging. "Please, just this once?"

And he's never been very good at saying no.

* * *

When Lily says "I do" thirteen months later, she glances, very briefly, at Remus.

He forces a smile and focuses, very intently, on not throwing up.


End file.
